Bessie is our resident advice columnist, and she’s happy to assist you with any problems you might have. Work trouble? Relationship woes? Can’t decide on the right kind of grass to eat? Bessie’s here to help!
Send your questions to bessie@metalimagination.com.
Question:
I‘ve been single for three years and just can’t seem to get a date. How can I find the love of my life? Kyle
Answer:
The dating world can be a complicated and frightening place. But don’t panic! Potential suitors can smell fear. It’s not a good smell. It’s like old coleslaw. So be confident!
You should spend lots of time in places where you’re likely to meet people with similar interests. For example, if you enjoy history, hang out in some Incan ruins! Or a museum, I guess. That might be less expensive, and you’re slightly less likely to run into evil spirits.
Sooner or later, you’re bound to attract the attention of someone who shares your passion for ancient Andean civilizations, which personally I don’t really understand and is frankly starting to become grating. You should really try to branch out.
Bessie
Question:
My vacation plans fell through for Labor Day and most of my friends will be out of town. Any fun ideas for things to do close to home this weekend? Ashley
Answer:
It’s a rarely known fact that Labor Day was actually invented by greeting card companies. This is rarely known because it is untrue. Have you ever gotten a Labor Day card? Of course not. That would be silly. I don’t know why you brought it up.
Anyway! There are plenty of things that you can do over a long weekend “staycation.” This is a great opportunity to get something done that you’ve been putting off for a while. I, for example, will be mowing my lawn. By eating it. Because I eat grass!
But it sounds like you’re looking for something more recreational. Consider taking up a new hobby, such as badminton or time travel. Or visit your local aquarium! Be sure to taunt the hell out of those sharks. They deserve it.
Bessie
Question:
My boyfriend wants me to move in with him, but I’m not sure that we’re ready. What should I do? Jenny P.
Answer:
Moving in with your significant other is a big step. It’s a good idea to start small and work your way up. First, try building a fort out of blankets and living in it together. If you can manage to get through a week without murdering each other, congratulations! It’s true love!
Just to make absolute sure that you’re ready to move in, consider a trial period where you live outside your boyfriend’s house or apartment for a day or so. Be sure to bring a toothbrush!
Bessie
Question:
I’m recently unemployed and haven’t had much luck finding a new job. Do you have any tips for how I can find my way back into the workforce? Tyler
Answer:
When searching for a new employer, it’s important to make your resume stand out. My resume, for example, is handwritten in glitter pen and has a few of those puffy stickers on it as decorations. But you should customize your resume with your own personal style! Do you have any macaroni? Maybe you could use that!
The important thing to remember is that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Do you know someone who’s very well-respected in a field related to the job you’re applying for? Then you should recommend them for the job instead! They’d probably be much better at it than you.
Bessie
Sgt. Merlot
Chicken
