Nutz & Boltz – Some fun from Metalimagination.com

Are you camping in the woods, hanging out in a creepy house, or having a slumber party with your scantily dressed peers? Are people dying at an alarming rate? Congratulations! You’re in a horror movie! Or you’re a witness to some sort of terrible tragedy. Either way, my sincere condolences.

The tropes and conventions of horror movies have changed, a concept that the recently released Scream 4 beat us over the head with ever so subtly. Virgins can die! The expected is the new reversal, or something! What it all adds up to is that if you only stick to the “rules” in Scream 1, you’re gonna die pretty fast.

As a lover of all things that go bump in the night (Where did this expression even come from? It sounds sort of dirty.), I’m a qualified expert on surviving horror movies. So if you do find yourself being chased by a crazed slasher or some sort of aquatic animal hybrid, here are just a few tips to make sure you stay alive.

1. Be a Child

I really can’t stress this one enough. With only a few rare exceptions (mostly zombie movies and the like), children in horror movies have a positively massive survival rate. It’s the whole innocence thing, naturally. Children are the new virgins. Goodness, I regretted that sentence before I even started typing it.

Your chances are even better if, in addition to being a child, you’re also the one doing the killing. This is mostly because you’re probably already a ghost.

This is the face of a killer (assuming that he is also a ghost).

2. Stay Away from Bathroom Mirrors

It happens in just about every horror movie you’ve seen. Someone closes their medicine cabinet, when suddenly oh man scary monster standing behind you. At best, the monster/killer/ghost/Sharktopus won’t be there when you turn around. At worst, you get horribly murdered.

Wait, scratch that. The absolute worst case scenario is that it’s actually just your spouse accompanied with a scary noise. Because fake scares are the worst, and your spouse needs to stop sneaking up on you when there are Sharktopi in the area.

3. Don’t Be In the Sequel

Unless you’re a big name, your survivability will dwindle the longer you stick around in your particular horror franchise. Even then, there’s no guarantee that you’re safe. The Grudge, Hostel, and Saw movies all killed off main characters, some within a single sequel.

It’s a sad truth that as actors get older, they tend to become more… “disposable.” It’s usually a good idea to make your exit before you wear out your welcome. So as a general rule, don’t move back to your hometown where all your friends got killed. It never ends well.

Anyone else have some good survival tips?